Hazardous Planet of the Dukes of Apes

In a comment on my last post, Ian Sokoliwski wrote:

Didn't the Littlest Hobo once show up on that 'Dukes of Hazzard'/'Planet of the Apes' crossover show?

For those of you who found the comment a little cryptic, allow me to weave a little 'coming of age' tale.

When I was in grade 1, there was one TV show that you had to watch in order to fit in on the playground - Dukes of Hazzard. Children who missed an episode might as well have stayed inside during recess. You either joined in the heated discussions about how much you'd like to "hold hands" with Daisy Duke, or were shunned.

Kids can be so innocent, and so cruel.

Well, as the fates would have it, one day, my mom got a new television set (with a remote control!!!)! I hurried into my Spider-Man jammies and plunked myself down in front of the television to find out what crazy antics Boss Hogg would be up to this week. Predictably enough, ol' Hogg himself was chasing the General Lee through the back roads of Missilouisianorthdakotarkansas with reckless abandon. The cars began to race across the screen with a dirt road dust whipping fury, which meant that my favourite part was coming up - the General Lee was about to ramp over some abandoned bridge or stack of cardboard boxes - you never really noticed or cared WHAT it was they were ramping over at that age.

The car landed with a crash, slammed on the brakes, and did a 180, only to end up face to face with... The monkeys from the Planet of the Apes.

After a few speechless seconds, I believe my exact words were, "COOOOOOOOL!".

The Apes were involved in a heated discussion - no doubt equally as excited as I was at the wicked cool orange car that just landed in front of them! A fight ensued, and a few stormed off screen.

Before I could really question how the Duke boys got to the Planet of the Apes (or vice versa - the show wasn't really specific), Daisy Duke waltzed on screen, and I sort of forgot about the implausability of what I'd just witnessed. A few more conversations ensued between the Apes and the Duke boys, and things finally came to a frantic finalé when the General Lee was involved in YET ANOTHER car chase, and YET ANOTHER incline induced jump over something or other. Credits had barely begun to roll over a freeze frame of Daisy Duke, and I was cursing the fact that I was too young to know any of my friends phone numbers - It would be another 12 grueling hours before I'd be back at school, and thus able to share this exciting crossover episode experience with anyone!

The sleepless night faded into dawn. The car ride to school was a slow and agonizing one.

By the time my Spiderman backpack and I hit the schoolyard, the discussion of last night Dukes of Hazzard was in full effect.

"Did you see that jump?!?!"
"Girls are GROSS! Except for Daisy Duke"
"My favourite part was when the police car crashed into the fruit stand!!!"
"What is Moonshine???"

Shaking uncontrollably, and unable to wait for a lull in the conversation, I finally blurted out -

"What about when they landed on the Planet of the Apes!!!"

All conversation ceased. Immediately. There was no trailing off of sentences, no finishing of words. Just the uncomfortable silence, the rustling of the wind, and the occasional heartbeat. Time stood still, and all eyes rested on me...

The vacuum seemed to last an eternity, but it was probably only a matter of seconds before a girl's giggling broke the spell. Any pleas I had to convince them of what I saw were drowned out in a cacophonous roar of high pitched laughter. Letting the Spiderman backpack fall of my shoulders and hit the ground, I turned around and dragged it, along with my spirit and reputation, across the gravel and grass, making my way to the school doors.

Still, I saw what I saw, and held steadfast to the belief that the I bore witness to the incredible "Dukes of Hazzard / Planet of the Apes" crossover - that is until one fateful day, a decade later. While watching the old Planet of the Apes movie, I changed channels and came across... you guessed it! The Dukes of Hazzard. A truly epiphanous moment. It appears that, blinded by the naivete of youth, the epic crossover I'd witnessed was a construct of my own mind - an illusion, created by my mother as she flipped back and forth between channels with her new remote control. (I guess that explained why Dan Rather showed up halfway through!)

It was a bit like finding out that Santa Claus wasn't real (although that would happen until my early twenties). All those years wasted, advocating a show that existed only in my mind.

And that my friends, is the origin behind the saying "Nice boy, that Donovan! Not too bright though!".

Currently playing: Kenny Loggins - Nobody's Fool (Theme from Caddyshack II)
Currently colouring: Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men vol.6

6,076 days of abstinence

Hey, have you guys ever heard of that television programme's called "Seinfeld"? The show premiered over half my life ago, on July 5, 1989. Believe it of not, in the 6,076 days that have followed, I've stayed Seinfeld free. Yes, this show that defined the comedic sensibilities of my generation, and at most, I'd never seen more than 5 minutes of an episode.

Utter blasphemy.

I'll admit that I've avoided Seinfeld for a fairly petty reason - those interstitial bass lines that indicate that the programme is switching scenes. There is something incredibly annoying about those transitions that forced me to turn the channel every time they began.

Armed with that petty dislike of the bass guitar, I've spent the last 15 and a half years being the ONLY person to have not seen an episode of Seinfeld.

Well, all of that changed last night. I managed to catch an entire show.

Now, before you staple me to the wall, let me tell you that it's not like I haven't TRIED to catch an episode in the past. But in an odd twist of fate, every time I came across the show, Seinfeld was sitting in a limousine talking to a neo-nazi. It's very odd, but I've stumbled across that particular scene 5 times. The first three times, I just figured he talked to Neo-nazi's in every episode. Yes, I'm not too bright sometimes.

(In a similar story, every time I come across The Littlest Hobo, it's ALWAYS the episode where the Littlest Hobo lands a Cessna aircraft after the pilot has a heart attack. I kid you not, this actually happened. I wonder why the show was cancelled?)

So there you have it. My streak of 6,076 Seinfeld free days comes to an end. The episode I witnessed in full was the one where an engaged Kastanza finds out he is Marisa Tomei's type, and he asks a bedridden acquaintance to introduce him to her. The real kicker is that, even though I sat through (and admittedly enjoyed) an entire episode, bass lines and all, the show ended with a big "to be continued" splayed across the screen in big bold white letters...

I suppose I could have watched the second part (which was televised tonight), but I'd rather type into this blog. Plus, this way, I can still lay claim to never seeing an entire Seinfeld STORYLINE.

I'm so petty.

Currently playing: Iron Maiden - Number of the Beast
Currently colouring: Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men vol.6

Tonight's the night!

It's the Wednesday you've ALL been waiting for! The Falcon Beach episode featuring my best bud Troy Scott, airs tonight on Global! Click this link to view the Falcon Beach promo (You'll want to click on the link titled "Get a sneak peek at this week's episode"). Troy Scott can be seen at the end wearing a neon green shirt hollering "Falcon Beach's JASON TANNNNNNNNER!" I have NO idea what that means, or who this Jason scoundrel is, but tonight, I'm gonna find out!

Also, be on the lookout for any shots in a Doctor's office! (For more on that, see my aptly titled post "Hey, didn't I used to eat lunch in that Doctor's office...?"

Fellow Digital Chameleon survivor (and colourist extraordinaire) Wil Glass informs me that the Digital Chameleon offices have also been used as the set for the Falcon Beach Police Station! (Not that he watches the show - he assures me he was merely flipping through the channels when he found that out. I have to believe him! It's impossible for a mere mortal to colour as skillfully and beautifully as this, and have the time to watch television! Look for his work on the upcoming Star Wars: Rebellion series from Dark Horse Comics!)

Wow. I know a television star, and a Star Wars colourist. What company I keep!

Currently playing: Corey Hart - Never Surrender
Currently colouring: Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men vol.6

Not to brag, but, yeah, I pretty much know some famous people

Every day, tens of volts worth of television frequencies are beamed across trackless voids into our homes and bedrooms, to be picked up by countless antennas and displayed on our television sets. It just so happens that this week, those very television signals will carry a few of the people who play important roles in my day to day existence into your boob tubes. First there is the love of my life, Cat (who, thankfully, is also my wife!). She has lent her beautiful voice to Workers Compensation Board's "Back to Basics" campaign. Yes, this is the same ad campaign that features a man sawing off his own thumb. Don't worry - it was a fake thumb. The ad makes it seem like an accident, but I suspect it is a poor man's attempt to go on Worker's Comp and get money so that he can sit on his butt drinking beers all day. It's not a bad scam! He still has one thumb left, and hey, he CAN'T do the dishes because... you guessed it! He's only got one thumb! It's a win-win situation! Cat's commercial, and subsequent radio spots, have been on the air a for a few months already, but the campaign seems to be picking up speed again - I've seen her ad a few times this week! In case you are like me, and don't have a lot of time for television, I'll save you the time you'd spend glued to your tube for a glimpse of her talents. Click the link below and watch it now - watch it as many times as you like! Click here to watch Cat's "Back to Basics" commercial! Coming up next... Troy Scott! For those of you who were able to attend my wedding (errr, OUR wedding! Sorry Cat!), Troy was our hilarious Master of Ceremonies! Troy is an on-air personality with Q94fm, and has his very own blog! If you look up "loyal friend" or "awesome, talented, all around cool guy" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of his face. If, in that same dictionary, you look up "Wakeboard Announcer"... well, you'd find a picture of Nick Weinacker. But if you looked it up in a Thesaurus, THEN you'd find a picture of Troy Scott. On the next episode of Falcon Beach* (airing February 15th on Global TV), Troy will be playing the role of "Wakeboard Announcer"!!! Set your Betamaxeses on record my friends, you are not going to want to miss this one! In all honesty, it will be pretty damned cool to see Troy on the television - he's very animated - a natural entertainer, and next week, his performance will be watched by thousands. Rumour has it that he will be a recurring character next season! I can't wait to see where he goes from here! Last but not least, my friend Cam Clark will be on television this Saturday afternoon, hosting Manitoba's favourite television programme for 30 years running... Kinsman Jackpot Bingo! Cam donates his Saturdays to host this exciting show, which in turn raises mountains of dollars for good causes across the province. Go Cam! Currently playing: Regatta - This is Love *For another Falcon Beach related post on this blog, see the following entry: http://yaciuk.blogspot.com/2005/10/hey-didnt-i-used-to-eat-lunch-in-that.html